Yesterday I did not write because I was exhausted, I did not sleep the night before. Well, I did not sleep last night either, but decided I had better write anyway, even though what I really want is to just go back to bed. Deadlines are too quickly approaching. I have five papers to write for school this term. What amounts to about 90 pages of research writing. I need to get back to work on the play. I have written an introduction, ideas about set design, and half of my monologues. But, there is still a lot of work to be done before I have a completed first draft and start working toward a submission-ready manuscript. But, how to balance life, school, and writing? I haven’t figured that out.
If someone out there can help me figure that out, I’d really appreciate it.
Right now, my mind wants to focus on distractions. I want a tattoo, I want a vacation, I want to run away to Taos, I want it to be Summer, I want to be with my sweetie on a tropical island somewhere. I want a massage, a spa day, a cozy cabin in the mountains with a hot fire and blueberry tea. I want all the stress to go away. I want it to lift like the fog that is all around my apartment this morning. But, the reality is that stress is seeping into my body from many directions. When this happens, my intuitive nature tells me to write. To pick up a pen and write it all out. But, I don’t. Instead, my habit is to wallow in self-pity, depression, and a state of self-loathing.
But, today is going to be different. Today I change that old habit. Today, I am sitting on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, wearing my pajamas; exhausted, hungry, glasses smeared and hair dirty and I am writing to you. You are keeping me accountable, dear Readers. Because of you, I am writing anyway. Because of you, I write despite the melancholic blues.
It is not easy to write everyday. Monkey mind wants to toss me away, to keep me from my pen. It is a force to be reckoned with. In the past I have nurtured monkey mind more than my larger mind, the mind that knows how to heal. I know that monkey mind has a job to do, that it is trying to protect me from bad feelings by distracting me from what is real. I can thank this little mind for its protective energy, but tell it to sit in a corner until I finish writing. Today, I am choosing not to be tossed away. Today, I choose to stay. I choose to write it out. If I am sad, stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, under-the-weather, sick, tired, living in a filthy apartment, needing to finish laundry, do the dishes and clean the bathroom, I can be all of those things and write too.