I have been restless lately. There is a low undercurrent of anxiety running through my life. I haven’t slept well in three weeks. I toss and turn in bed at night and wake up too early in the morning. My dreams are reminders of the past, parts of my psyche letting go and letting go and letting go. I’m writing during the day, attending classes at night, sharing deeply personal and heartfelt community with dear friends. But, I have this awful feeling of crawling skin. More like my soul is waking up and trying to bust out of the confines of my little body. A body too small to contain whatever big work my soul is crying out for and moving toward.
I keep thinking of that scene from The Matrix: Neo finally fully awakens to the illusory nature of the world. He dives into the body of Agent Smith and stretches inside before the shell is cast off (scroll ahead to 1:38 to see what I mean).
That is how I’m feeling. Except not quite as dramatic. It’s a subtle shifting from one way of living to another. It’s the anxiety of transformation and transition. It’s uncomfortable and the subtlety of the experience makes me more restless.
It reminds me of something an elder woman once said to me about people born during the Year of the Dragon, “Dragons sleep in their cave for a long time, building up their power until the day they finally wake up.”
I wonder if I am waking up?
I was born during a Fire Dragon year. I don’t know enough about Chinese astrology to say if the woman was right or to know the complexities of Dragon personality, but it does feel like an awakening is happening. One of many I am sure. A stepping into my own life. More fully than ever before.
I keep searching for some clarity, some quiet in this restless time, but (and maybe this is obvious since sleep eludes me) I can’t seem to find that clear space. It is in times of restlessness that we long the most for a response from God. Some wisdom from the depths of our consciousness that tells us how to find peace. But, right now, every time I close my eyes to pray or burn a smudge to pray or meditate to pray or light a candle to pray or listen to a song to pray or drum to pray I get nothing. No feeling of God. No wise answers. No ancestors whispering in my ear. Just doubt and that familiar monkey mind.
So, why do I babble on about my own longing for God and clarity? Because I know I am not the only one. This is a human experience. And maybe, hopefully, my story can bring some peace to a reader. And if that is you . . . may we journey toward peace and clarity and union with God together.